Thread:Hakimiru/@comment-24366645-20140428023010/@comment-24380832-20140430005101

Chikalin wrote:

I just have no clue how to word any of it. ^ This here is the story of my (translation) life :v

That aside, you've really put a lot of effort into this. Since you said you're still studying, I'll break it into sections and go over each one, if you don't mind. It sure beats wrestling with my own phrasing at least.

Chikalin wrote: [Kay] In general I had difficulty with this one, especially the before last sentence, I think I messed up.

Hmm, it can't be helped? That guy said you pay for your mistakes.[1]  But that guy, he’s selfish, he’s egocentric, he’s rude, the qualities that I dislike about him might be endless. But, as for that kind of guy, I can’t meet him yet? Hey, open your eyes, hey, let me hate you more. ふーん、仕方ないんじゃない？　This is fine/correct, although as a looser, stylistic choice I might have gone with something like "Hmph, isn't it fine?" to go with the flow and tone of the rest.

自業自得ってやつよね. "って", when you're not using it to change the form of a verb sort of works as quotes - it singles out something as the focus of your sentence. So in this context, "ってやつ" is sort of like saying "it's what you'd call ___". Trying to keep the tone matching with the previous line, maybe something like "You reap what you sow, after all." or "He only has himself to blame." or "He brought it upon himself, after all". or something like that.

だって彼ったら、我侭だしさ、自己中だし、乱暴だし、もう嫌いなところをあげたらきりがないわ. "だって" is a connecting...word?..that you can use when you're trying to elaborate on a previous point (although it's sort of childish/feminine). For English, maybe something like: "I mean, he's ....". As for the last bit, perhaps you could shorten it a bit to something with a similar feel to make it more natural? Something like "the list of things I dislike about him would be endless"?

でも、もうそんな彼には会えないの？　I think you probably got もう confused with まだ here. The first one is "no longer", while the 2nd one is "not yet". So this is something like "But even so, can I no longer see him again?" "Meet" sounds a bit strange used like this, so I tried a replacement. And "the him like that" for そんな彼 is a mouthful that just doesn't work in English, so....>w>

ねぇ、目を覚ましてよ、ねぇ、もっと嫌いにさせてよ. Seems fine to me~ "come to your senses" might be more accurate, but it's too awkward to use here, and I think what you've chosen fits perfectly fine within your artistic license. You could probably get a little creative with punctuation here to make the mood come across even better.

Continue like this? Requests? Changes? Yay/Nay?

Sorry if this is too much, or not really what you were looking for >w>