Thread:Hakimiru/@comment-24366645-20140428023010/@comment-24366645-20140501051544

Thank you so much! This was extremely helpful. It made me realize I need to work on tone, haha. Like right now I noticed in Uwain’s story that he seems to drag his words, so I'm trying to figure out how to translate things like that to English. So as to not lose the character, you know? Also, be less stiff! I have to repeat that to myself.

Hakimiru wrote: ふーん、仕方ないんじゃない？　This is fine/correct, although as a looser, stylistic choice I might have gone with something like "Hmph, isn't it fine?" to go with the flow and tone of the rest.

自業自得ってやつよね. "って", when you're not using it to change the form of a verb sort of works as quotes - it singles out something as the focus of your sentence. So in this context, "ってやつ" is sort of like saying "it's what you'd call ___". Trying to keep the tone matching with the previous line, maybe something like "You reap what you sow, after all." or "He only has himself to blame." or "He brought it upon himself, after all". or something like that. I really like those two better, if you don't mind I'm going to use them instead. Thanks for further explaining “って”!

だって彼ったら、我侭だしさ、自己中だし、乱暴だし、もう嫌いなところをあげたらきりがないわ. "だって" is a connecting...word?..that you can use when you're trying to elaborate on a previous point (although it's sort of childish/feminine). For English, maybe something like: "I mean, he's ....". As for the last bit, perhaps you could shorten it a bit to something with a similar feel to make it more natural? Something like "the list of things I dislike about him would be endless"?

Aah, how about I make it sound more casual? For example, just shorten it to "The list goes on forever", I thought it might be fine because it’s already implying that these are bad aspects and she dislikes him for it.

でも、もうそんな彼には会えないの？　I think you probably got もう confused with まだ here. The first one is "no longer", while the 2nd one is "not yet". So this is something like "But even so, can I no longer see him again?" "Meet" sounds a bit strange used like this, so I tried a replacement. And "the him like that" for そんな彼 is a mouthful that just doesn't work in English, so....>w> Yeah, I did confuse them ^^; I actually have problems remembering what exactly "もう" means (have to constantly look it up).

ねぇ、目を覚ましてよ、ねぇ、もっと嫌いにさせてよ. Seems fine to me~ "come to your senses" might be more accurate, but it's too awkward to use here, and I think what you've chosen fits perfectly fine within your artistic license. You could probably get a little creative with punctuation here to make the mood come across even better.

Oh good! I was concerned of whether or not the reader would understand that she doesn't actually mean for him to wake up. That's primarily why I changed it to "open your eyes", I've seen that expression used as a substitute for "come to your senses", I thought it fit without losing the original intent.

もう、アナタは十分戦ったわ. I know it's super tempting to translate "十分" as "sufficient" (I know I did it a bunch when I started) but it's a traaaap! "Sufficient" almost never sounds natural, and ends up making things sound weird >_<. I'd probably go with "You've already fought enough."

Pffft. I thought it sounded fine because she's a commander and all, so my thought process was like "oh yeah totally she's like evaluating him or something, cool". Thanks for the heads up, I'll make a note of it from now on! I had no clue there could be traps like that (oT-T)

なんて、私の口から言えるわけないじゃない. So close, it would be right if it's 言う, but she used 言える, which is the potential form (ei. *can* say). Being a little more flexable with structure (keeping tone), I'd probably go with something like "Did you think I could possibly say something like that?" "There's no way I could possibly say something like that" would probably be closer to the original, but I feel like the tone is a little different, especially since doesn't work as well in English, imo. Really more of a stylistic choice at this point though.

That sentence was problematic for me in the beginning, I had a feeling I was off! I like your translation of it, I'll see if I can come up with any other ways to word it. But, it is a really strange sentence, at first I couldn't tell if she was referring to something she was going to say or that was said.

今でも、いつまでも、私はアナタだけの右腕なのよ Phrasing for this one is a bit hard, because アナタだけ is like "only for you", whereas in English it's easy to misinterpret "only your" as "nothing but" or "merely". It's still not great, but maybe something like "I serve as a right-hand man only for you, now, and forever"? Hm...still needs work =w=

Aaah, ok, I thought "only your" sounded strange, to the point where I was tempted to just toss out "only". I think the way I worded it made it sound like she wanted to make it clear that the relationship is strictly professional, haha. I actually like your wording it sounds sweet in a way.

Continue like this? Requests? Changes? Yay/Nay?

Sorry if this is too much, or not really what you were looking for >w>

I can’t thank you enough for being so detailed with your response! It exceeded what I was looking for, really thank you. You don’t have to break down all of them, I don’t want to be a bother after all. I just want to know, are any mistranslated? Even slightly. The last thing I want is to completely misinterpret what they are saying.

Also, I actually translated them to Spanish for fun and they sound way better, it just made me realize how complicated rewording things to English can be（´･ω･）